Cyber Romance

Cyber Romance is Chapter 6 in The Cyber Effect” an important book by Mary Aiken, Ph.D., a cyberpsychologist.   This chapter looks at the ways cyber effects are shifting mating rituals and romance. Romantic love manifests itself in its expression in the brain.  The left dorsal anterior cingulate cortex (dACC) becomes active, as well as the insula, caudate, amygdala, accumbent temporo-parietal junction, posterior cingulate cortex, medial prefrontal cortex, inferior parietal lobule, precuneus, and temporal lobe.

Dr Aiken discusses a paradox know as the “stranger on the train syndrome.”  This refers to people feeing more comfortable disclosing personal information to someone that they may never meet again.  She also mentions the cyber effects of online disinhibition and anonymity.  We feel less at risk of being hurt by a partner who has not seen us in real life.  An urgent wish to form a bond might induce us to disclose intimate details of our lives without much hesitation.  The risks of doing this should be obvious.  However, online we might overshare and confess, revealing too much personal information with a potential love interest online doesn’t help predict compatibility the way it might in the real world.

Communications expert Joseph Walther describes hyper personal communication as a process by which participants eagerly seek commonality and harmony.  The getting-to-know-you experience is thrown off-kilter.  The two individuals—total strangers really—seek similarities with other rather than achieving a more secure bond that will allow for blunt honesty or clear-eyed perspective.    When we are online, free of face-to-face contact, we can feel less vulnerable and not “judged.”  This can feel liberating but be dangerous.  Dr. Aiken does not comment as to whether the use of visual media, such as Skype, might mitigate this problem.  But she does say that dating online involves four selves—two real-world selves and two cyber ones.

Relying on normal, as opposed to cyber, instinct can lead vulnerable individuals into true danger.  A woman who meets a man in a bar might never consider accepting a ride with him after only one encounter.  Yet that same woman, after only a few days of interacting through email and texts with a man she’s met on an online dating site, may fire out her address because she feels such a strong connection with him.

Dr. Aiken cites a February 2016 report by the U.K. National Crime Agency (NCA) of a sixfold increase in online-dating related rape offenses over the previous five years.  The team analyzing the findings presented potential explanations, including people feel disinhibited online and engage in conversations that quickly become sexual in nature, which can lead to “misdirected expectation” on the first date.  Seventy-one percent of these rapes took place on the first date in either the victim’s or offender’s residence.     The perpetrators of these online date-rape crimes did not seem to fit the usual profile of a sex offender; that is, a person with a criminal history or previous conviction.  So we don’t fully understand the complexity of online data and associated sexual assault, but the cyber effects of syndication and disinhibition are clearly important.  The NCA offers the following helpful advice for online data:

Meet in public, stay in public
Get to know the person, not the profile
Not going well?  Make excuses and leave.
If you are sexually assaulted, get help immediately.

Nevertheless, the online data industry has been successful.  The industry was profitable almost immediately.   By 2007, online data was bringing in $500 million annually in the U.S., and that figure had risen to $2.2 billion by 2015, when match.com turned twenty years old.  By then, the website claimed to have helped create 517,000 relationships, 92,000 marriages, and 1 million babies.

When you make assumptions about a person based on their profile photo, it’s termed impression management.  When you filter, fix, and curate your own profile photo it’s impression management.  The mere act of choosing a picture to use on a data site—active, smiling, unblemished, or nostalgic—requires that you imagine how you look tooters and aim to enhance that impression.

Here are some impression—management tips for your profile photo.

Wear a dark color
Post a head—to—waist shot
Make sure that the jawline has a shadow (but no shadow on hair or eyes)
Don’t obstruct the eyes (no sunglasses)
Don’t be overtly sexy
Smile and show your teeth (but please no laughing)
Squinch

If you don’t know how to squinch, here are some tips
“It is a slight squeezing of the lower lids of the eyes, kind of like Clint Eastwood makes in his Dirty Harry movies, just before he says, “Go ahead.  Make my day.”  It’s less than a squint, not enough  to cause your eyes to close or your crow’s feet to take over your face.  If you want a tutorial on how to produce the perfect one, Dr. Aiken recommends one by professional photographer Peter Hurley, available on YouTube, called “It’s All About the Squinch.”

Another risk in cyberspace is identity-deception.  People can make-up identities that they present in cyberspace.  There have always been tricksters, con artists and liars who pretend to be somebody they aren’t.  Technology has now made this so much easier.

Dr. Aiken also warns about narcissists in cyberspace.  Narcissists need admiration, flattery, loads of attention, plus an audience.  The problem is that given the way they ooze confidence and cybercharm, it may be harder of spot them—and know to stay away.  Here is a mini-inventory of questions to ask yourself:

*Doe they always look amazing in their photos?
*Are they in almost all of their photos?
*Are they in the center of their group photos?
*Do they post or change their profile constantly?
*When they post an update, is it always about themselves?

There is also a topic called Cyber-Celibacy.  A government survey in Japan estimated that nearly 40% of Japanese men and women in their twenties and thirties are single, not actively in a relationship, and not really interested in finding a romantic parent either.  Relationships were frequently described as bothersome.  The estimation, if current trends continue, Japan’s population will have shrunk by more than 30% by 2060.   Do not make the mistake of assuming that the explosion of  virgins is restricted to Japan.

Dr. Aiken provides more material than can be summarized in this blog.  The bottom line warning for Cyber Romance is the same as it is for all activities in cyberspace, be careful and proceed cautiously.

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